Very Bad Archive
What I've Always Done
Amrita Gupta
Every day in the early hours of morning
As I sit on my windowsill
Watching the sun rise
I wonder
Countless questions shatter
My perfect silence that never lasts
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Am I really as alone as I feel?
I try to answer these
Try to rescue the silence
Try to snatch it back
But each time I have different answers
And every day
Among the people I am close to
My emotions echo in the emptiness
That surrounds me
And the ones that do not exist
Are the only ones that care
It’s what lonely people do
And it’s what I’ve always done
I assume relationships are meaningful
I forge trusts with myself
I forget who I am
In the turmoil of trying to be
Someone that people are not ashamed of
And in the end
I live for the people I admire so much
I do everything for them
Nothing for myself
I want to make the person I am
Dignified and disguised
So that when people see her
They won’t hate her as much as I do
I need to be better
I can’t get far like this
I need to be someone else
Someone that the ones I admire so much
Are not ashamed of
Once
Just once
I want to be looked upon
In pride
It’s what lonely people think
And it’s what I have always thought
That if only I were better
If only I could make myself better
Things would be different
Amrita Gupta has published 2 more terrible poems since joining on 30/11/99. Read more of Amrita's terrible poetry at the anthology. Here are three of Amrita's latest works: