Very Bad Archive
So This Is Heaven?
Michael Reed
Last week I died for a few minutes
choking on a piece of chicken.
I entered heaven
although I expected to be turned away
because of that incident in 1994.
I saw my grandfather
but, at first, I didn't recognize him
because he was 28 years old
and I obviously never knew him when he was that young.
He told me about heaven:
"It's always sunny and 72 degrees,
we eat steak and lobster every day for lunch.
The angels are the cooks.
They use too much salt.
Your grandmother spends all of her time with Jimmy Stewart.
I have a room I share with eight 19-year-old coeds
in skimpy swimming suits.
We're not allowed to have sex here.
The females don't want it unless it's from Clark Gable's spirit
or James Dean's or, believe it or not, Liberace.
While living on Earth he may have been gay
but in heaven he's a chick magnet.
And all the pets from my childhood are here:
six dogs, eight cats, a canary and a rabbit;
the stench is unbearable.
Christ, I wish it would rain!
Wash some of this animal crap outta here.
Do yourself a favor and go to hell."
That's when the bystander used the Heimlich Maneuver to revive me.
So now what do I do?
Michael Reed has published 2 more terrible poems since joining on 25/5/07. Read more of Michael's terrible poetry at the anthology. Here are three of Michael's latest works: