Very Bad Poetry

This was a response to an email my old high school best friend sent to me from a poem one of his students at the community college where he works teaching literature had written. She titled it "Happy Dog". He was mentally vomiting after reading. Odd stanzas are hers; even stanzas are mine. My friend almost spontaneously emptied his bladder he was laughing so hard when I replied.

Bitchy dog

I’m a happy dog at the beach
If I had the power of speech
I would tell you all
To throw my ball
I’m a happy dog at the beach

I'm a rabId dog In the backyard
I would rather bIte than lIck a retard
I would chew off your leg
And gIve you a peg
And leave you all bleedIng and scarred

I’m a happy dog at the beach
There are no new tricks you can teach
I’m bouncy and glad
And my tail wags like mad
I’m a happy dog at the beach

I'm a bItchy dog at the end of a leash
WIth no food In my bowl or my "deesh"
ChIhuahua's are fIerce
They throw mIssiIles and spears
So don't anger me or thInk you can tease

I’m a happy dog at the beach
My joy is always in reach
Whatever the talk
It’s the best place to walk
I’m a happy dog at the beach

I'm a psychotIc dog who pees on your pants
I read NIetzshe, LenIn and Kant
I rebel agaInst Czars
Who drIve out-dated cars
I'm In the BolshoI ballet and I dance

I’m a happy dog at the beach
As I hear the seagulls screech
I chase and I bark
Long into the dark
I’m a happy dog at the beach

I'm an arIstocratIc dog In Hyde Park
At Trafalgar Square I have a tendency to bark
I've been taken to WestmInster
To breed wIth my sIster
Genetic mutatIons are there In my chart

I’m a happy dog at the beach
And I don’t want to start to preach
But if you ask me
The best thing to see
Is a happy dog at the beach

I'm a ravenous dog on the prowl
I've eaten goat, chIpmunk, squIrrel and some fowl
But the thIng that makes me happy
And he's so proud, Is my pappy
Is when I'm on the carpet and empty my bowel

Steve Turner has published 2 more terrible poems since joining on 30/11/99. Read more of Steve's terrible poetry at the anthology. Here are three of Steve's latest works: